Media Bitchfest

“…And Ray Lewis Was Complicit In A Murder (Twitter)”

December 21st, 2006 by Justin

Here is a lede to a New York Times story about targeted television ads from Wendy’s that will be used in games on Fox this Sunday.

SPORTS commentators will not be the only ones remarking on Sunday’s National Football League games. Animated raccoons will also give instant feedback

This story would be way better if it ended there. Instead, they ruin it with the rest.

…in advertisements for Wendy’s International that will be shown at the start of commercial breaks.

Apparently, we are at the dawning of a new age where every commercial we see can be tailored to exactly what we want. Wendy’s has experimented regionally with the new technology, offering Frosty or Chili ads depending on the weather in Hartford. Separately they used “the demographics of Milwaukee neighborhoods to decide which versions of its Super Value Menu ads to show,” which is a sentence so perfectly constructed as the set up for a racist joke, I would feel guilty even attempting one.

For the national debut, Wendy’s have settled on the universal symbols for delicious food: trash eating (and trash talking [wacka wacka]) Raccoons.

Here are some examples of things I would like the Raccoons to say this weekend:

Raccoon 1: Mike Vick’s got herpes, you know…
Raccoon 2: Really?
Raccoon 1: Yeah every month and a half his junk looks like a miner from The Hills Have Eyes.
(Raccoon 1 launches himself into Raccoon 2, teeth first. He rips into 2’s face, leaving a gaping, blood fountain of a hole that is ignored as they all enjoy another sip of Frosty)

—-

Raccoon 1: Drew Brees’ mole is out of control.
Raccoon 2 and Raccoon 3 at the same time: It terrifies my slumber.
(All of the Raccoons laugh before 1 bites 3 in the neck, peppering the $1 chicken nuggets with rabid blood)

—-

Raccoon 1: Matt Leinart wrote the book on pussy.

• Seriously, he did [NYT]

Posted in Sports

One Response to ““…And Ray Lewis Was Complicit In A Murder (Twitter)””

1. KKKati wrote on 12/21/06 at 6:37 pm :

   ooooooh raccoon humor. i had a raccoon once, with a broken leg. we fed him/her beer and he ate the NYTimes for dinner.

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