Media Bitchfest

World News Weekly 12.15.06

December 15th, 2006 by Justin

In an uncertain world of turmoil and strife, whom can we turn to for a summery of happenings from this, our global village? The answer is Shaun Barnes, his column begins now…

Remember the good old days of the Go Go 90s? When everyone was talking about Russia’s newfound freedom and eccentric billionaires taking $20 million rocket rides? Well, not unlike Britney Spears’ blown-out birth canal, the trend has been decidedly droopy for Mother Russia. The latest controversy to land on Moscow involves the poisoning of an ex-KGB officer living in London who criticized ex-KGB agent Validmir Putin and a trail of radioactive polonium-210 leading straight across Europe.

This is only one of Russia’s recent ailments, which also include a troubling trend toward authoritarianism, its own on-going Islamic insurgency in Chechnya, a sting of journalists getting shot like they were signed to Death Row Records in ‘95 not to mention the rise of music pirating organized crime syndicates that make The Sopranos look like The Jeffersons.

So, whither goes this cartographic colossus? For now, the state is successfully supporting itself by peddling the smack of global economics (oil) far and wide, but without some serious changes in its political and economic institutions, it could be headed for trouble. Still, if high school AP European History taught me anything (aside from the undeniable superiority of the Swedish welfare state [Editors note: spineless commie]) one should never count Russia out; it’s had more implausible victories and surprising comebacks than Rocky Balboa*. Over the long-term, it’s not really a question of if there will be a Russian resurgence; much like the shambling wino you pass on the street, it has nowhere to go but up. The question is what kind of Russia it will be, free and friendly or… you know, that other kind.

News and Notes

• Former Chilean dictator, Augusto Pinochet, dies at age 91. In a traditional ceremony, Pinochet’s corpse will be blindfolded and hurled ten thousand feet into the Pacific Ocean.

• “Nuclear weapons? No, no…I meant to say unicorns and Pegasus-riding fairies.” (Olmert slaps over pitcher of water and runs out of room)

• Iranian Holocaust Conference brings together academic luminaries like David Duke from across the world. Excitement already building for next month’s Leni Riefenstahl film festival.

• Poker night at Kim’s place is back on! Japan pissed they weren’t invited.

*Rocky’s defeat of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV not included in this analogy

Posted in World News Weekly

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