Media Bitchfest

The Ballad of the Sea Glutton

August 29th, 2006 by Justin

If you aren’t from Florida than you may not be familiar with the buoyant joy of the manatee. Known as the Sea Cow, these blubbery curds chortle amongst the gentle waves of Sunshine State rivers and estuaries. Long has it been assumed scientific fact that since these gigantic bulks have relatively tiny brains, they were “simple minded.” Well, no more will we live in such ignorance, according to Science Tuesday the manatee isn’t fat because it’s retarded, it’s fat because it’s so God damned clever it’s carved a delicious life niche where it doesn’t need to be any skinnier.

Kind of like Marlon Brando.

There are two really funny elements to this story. First:

But, as Dr. Reep noted, they are aquatic herbivores, subsisting on sea grass and other vegetation, with no need to catch prey. And with the exception of powerboats piloted by speed-happy Floridians, which kill about 80 manatees a year and maim dozens more, they have no predators.

This may not resonate with you, but then again maybe you just don’t have the background to appreciate it. Maybe you have lived a life where you don’t still feel the cramps in your fingers from gripping your younger brother with a synch hold that couldn’t be broken by sulfuric acid as your coked up father opened up his outboard motor boat into the heart of the Saint John’s River.

“How fast are we going?” you apparently never timidly asked hoping the topic of speed raised in your helpless, freighted tone of voice might slow things down.

“What was that? You want to go faster?” he would respond like this was some kind of joke.

But of course, things would slow down when the boat hit what looked to be a floating barrel loosed from some kind of water carnival. You wouldn’t ask, and he never brought it up because everyone knew what just happened. A quick glance back would reveal the truth, another noble Manatee’s back irreparably laced into by some cracker’s motor blade, doomed to roam his habitat looking like Kunta Kinte.

Yeah, there’s that. Then this:

Hugh, 22, and Buffett, 19, captive manatees at the Mote Marine Laboratory in Sarasota, Fla., are fed 72 heads of lettuce and 12 bunches of kale a day, their trainers say.

They named one of the fucking manatees after Jimmy Buffett. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who has lived for any amount of time in Florida. The guy is kind of a hit down there. In fact, just assume “Cheeseburger In Paradise” was blaring on repeat throughout that whole last story. It usually was.
• I Like Mine With Lettuce and Tomato (and Manatees) [NYT]

Posted in Manatee

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