Media Bitchfest

Hemophobic Vampire Finds Loophole

February 24th, 2006 by Bitchfest

I guess the best thing I can say about Alan Patton, an Ohio man who hides out in public restrooms and drinks the urine of adolescent boys, is Points For Creativity!

Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom.

“He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine,”
[Detective] Fithen said.

See, at first I thought that he was just some really busy degenerate who needed his perversion served to go - that way, he could enjoy it while driving, or in a meeting, or while cutting off dog’s heads and using their blood in a sexual potency ritual that also brings dinosaurs back.

Then I read this:

“I like it because it makes me closer to them — like I’m drinking their youth.”

Holy Shit! This guy has discovered the secret to eternal life. And it’s FUCKING GROSS! It’s not even like it’s the dainty piss of nubile adolescent girls. It is boy pee in a Burger King cup and given that option, I’m content to die.

At least now I know that if I want to cure cancer, I should probably start by getting a 12-year-old to shit in a Thermos.

• Ponce De Leon Revels in his Incompetence. [nbc4i.com]

(Also, the “images from the case” are worthwhile only because they reveal that he used a straw. While they do not mention whether or not said straw was of the twisty variety, my imagination is pretty sure that it was.)

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