Media Bitchfest

Awesomeness may also follow

October 17th, 2005 by Bitchfest

Here is an interesting story on Beer Pong. However, in what I know about The Sport of Kings there are a few fallacies I would like to debunk.

First: “It’s catching on like wildfire,” Ms. Katz said. “We created it as an icebreaker for young adults to meet each other.”

- Okay, I am going to go out on a limb and say that no one on earth has ever picked up someone at a bar by playing beer pong. If I have a daughter, I can only hope that I raise her well enough to pass on the dude with the backwards Red Sox hat and a beer drenched Coed Naked Volleyball t-shirt screaming “Drink it, pussy!”

Second: Some games are based on luck and revolve around cards and dice. A few are simply organized binges, like “Edward 40-Hands,” in which players tape 40-ounce malt liquor bottles to their hands.

- The word organized and Edward 40-Hands should never be in the same sentence ever. If my daughter is easy enough to fuck the Red Sox hat guy, being attracted to the trainwreck that results from Edward 40-Hand is the next rung lower. Have some self respect for God’s sake.

Third: Legend has it that the game, also known for some reason as Beirut, started years ago at a Dartmouth College fraternity party.

- Memo to the “Beirut is the true name” people, the war is over. You lost, cry about it.

Fourth: Students say they enjoy the games because they are a fun way to compete, socialize and drink, and often the only consequence of playing is a hangover. But alcohol prevention experts say the games do sometimes lead to alcohol poisoning and drunken-driving crashes and may increase the chance of a woman being sexually assaulted.

- Can we stop blaming binge drinking as the boogeyman of youth behavior? Kids (not unlike adults) are going to be stupid if they want to be, the way they do it is irrelevant. Beer Pong doesn’t cause drunk driving accidents, I cause drunk driving accidents because I need to drink away the pain that common street hooker I call a daughter has caused my family.

In all seriousness though, when someone like the New York Times covers a youth issue like this you can pretty much count the graphs until it gets to the “but…” line. Cue an interview with some midwestern researcher who has made a living doing a study about the subject from his office and call it a day. As long as the conclusion is “kids these days are fucked up,” we have no problems.

Fifth: The group split into two teams of five, including some women, and started playing flippy cup, a relay race in which players gulp down an inch of beer in a cup and then try to flip the cup over so it sticks upside down.

-Flippy cup??? Have any of you gone to college? It’s Flip Cup. How did this get through the copy desk? Flippy cup sounds like something a toddler throws at me while I am waiting in line for movie tickets because his mother filled it with water instead of Juicy Juice.

That being said, there is one shining moment in this story:

Drinking games have been around since Dionysus.

You know you are reading the Times when the author includes a reference ancient greek rituals in a story about getting hammered. Then again, according to this photo, old Dion looks like he could clean up on a Pong table.

Bring ‘em back!

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